The 5 Types of Flirting (and How to Spot Each One)

Where the five styles come from

The styles come from Hall’s research at the University of Kansas. The pattern was first found in a sample of more than 5,000 eHarmony users in 2007 and later confirmed in a 2010–2011 survey of 4,500 people around the world. The questionnaire behind it, the Flirting Styles Inventory, was described in a 2010 paper in Communication Quarterly.

A later study went further. Hall’s team filmed 51 pairs of opposite-sex strangers getting to know each other for 10 to 12 minutes, one-on-one, and then asked how attracted each person felt. People showed their attraction in ways that matched their flirting style. The study was done in person, but the setup, two strangers and a short first conversation, is close to what happens when you’re paired with someone new on a video chat, so it’s the lens this guide uses.

One caveat: that study involved straight, opposite-sex pairs, and the “traditional” style is built around gender roles. Treat the styles as tendencies, not boxes.

The five styles at a glance

• Physical: shows interest through body language and closeness.
• Polite: careful, respectful and hands-off, sometimes to the point of being unreadable.
• Playful: flirts for the fun of it, whether or not anything comes of it.
• Sincere: looks for an emotional connection through questions and real attention.
• Traditional: expects the man to make the first move and the woman to hold back.

Physical

Physical flirts rely on body language: leaning in, closing the distance, touch. They’re usually “switched on,” alert to signs of interest from other people.

One risk Hall points out: they’re more likely to assume someone is interested when they aren’t, which can make people uncomfortable. And in the one-on-one study, physical flirts were a little out of their element. When they were attracted, they actually gave fewer compliments. Hall’s explanation is that a quiet one-on-one conversation isn’t where physical flirts are most confident; they’re more at home in cafes, at parties and in busy nightspots.

With someone new: on video, you can still see body language like leaning in and facial reactions. Over text it disappears, so a physical flirt may come across flatter than they mean to.

Polite

Polite flirts are respectful, cautious and hands-off. They avoid anything that feels too forward, because to them, too much touching or complimenting is rude, or risky. Hall says women and people aged 40 and older were the most likely to prefer this style.

They’re also the hardest to read. In the study, polite flirts leaned back, gave the other person more space and kept their tone even, and they did it more the more attracted they were. To most people, that looks like a lack of interest.

With someone new: if someone is warm but reserved and keeps the conversation going, don’t write them off. Give them room, and ask a direct but easy question rather than waiting for a big signal that may never come.

Playful

Playful flirts enjoy the game itself: banter, teasing, attention. They flirt for its own sake, even when a relationship is the last thing on their mind. Hall found that about half of the people whose latest relationship was a casual fling were playful flirts.

The risk, in his words, is that “they can come off as dismissive and belittling with their game playing.”

With someone new: playful banter relies a lot on tone and timing, which voice and video keep. If you want to know whether there’s more to it than a good time, you’ll probably have to ask.

Sincere

Sincere flirts want an emotional connection. They ask questions, listen closely and let the conversation get personal. It’s the most common style in Hall’s research, perhaps because it’s usually the most effective.

In the one-on-one study, sincere flirts were attentive and less fidgety. Sincere women laughed and smiled more, and more often showed the “coy gaze,” a classic sign of interest. In Hall’s survey, sincere flirts were also 26 percent more likely to have met their last partner online, and 20 percent less likely to have met them in a club or bar.

With someone new: a sincere flirt tends to build on what you say rather than jump between topics. Questions and close attention fit this style, though on their own they don’t prove attraction.

Traditional

Traditional flirts follow gender roles: men should make the first move, open doors and pick up the tab, and women shouldn’t be too forward. Women were much more likely than men to be traditional flirts; among men, it was the least common style.

In the study, traditional men who were attracted leaned in and used an open posture. Traditional women acted more demurely, showing their wrists and hands and gently teasing their conversation partner.

With someone new: if you’re both waiting for the other person to go first, nothing happens. Making your own interest clear, even with one simple, direct question, is a way out.

How to tell which style someone has

Hall’s blunt summary: “We’re really bad at detecting if people are flirting with us. We’re great at knowing when they’re not interested.” According to his research, most people are pretty subtle when they flirt, and everyone does it differently.

It also helps to separate two questions. A flirting style describes how someone tends to show interest. It doesn’t tell you whether they’re interested in you.

What the one-on-one study actually saw in attracted people:

• Leaning in with an open posture: traditional men.
• Leaning back, giving more space, keeping an even tone: polite flirts, who did this more the more attracted they were.
• Showing their wrists and hands, and gentle teasing: traditional women.
• Close attention and less fidgeting: sincere flirts, with sincere women also smiling and laughing more and showing the coy gaze.

And from the survey: playful flirts keep the banter going for its own sake, so fun on its own isn’t a reliable sign of anything more.

When you can’t tell, it’s fine to ask. “Are we flirting, or is this just a very good conversation?” works better than guessing.

What’s your flirting style?

Hall’s full questionnaire is the proper test, but a few quick questions point the way:

• Do you show interest by moving closer, touching or holding eye contact? That leans physical.
• Do you hold back because being too forward feels rude? That leans polite.
• Do you flirt because it’s fun, even when you’re not looking for anything? That leans playful.
• Do you want to really get to know the person first? That leans sincere.
• Do you think one person should make the first move, based on gender? That leans traditional.

Most people will recognize themselves in two or three. That’s normal; one usually leads.

How each style comes across on video, voice and text

Hall’s studies didn’t compare video, voice and text, so this part is practical rather than research. The way you meet someone changes which cues are available at all:

• Video keeps the most: expressions, reactions, leaning in, a smile.
• Voice keeps tone, timing and laughter, but no body language.
• Text keeps only the words, so teasing needs to be obviously friendly and reserved styles can read as distant. We cover that in How to Flirt Over Text With Someone You Just Met.

FAQ